Sunday, February 3, 2013

That's Just Me

Who would've thought amidst the chaos, laughter and endless servings of alcohol being shot into my system, that i would actually have a conversation that night which would make me realize something about myself once again. Earlier today, i found myself in the company of some of my closest friends once again capping off the night at this restobar near my place. As the night went on, it was obvious that the happy juice was working. The laughter seemed to get a little bit louder, topics a little bit more daring and people a little more rowdy. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, a friend of mine "discretely" asked me a question. As i listened, everything fell still and silent. You know those movie scenes when something of "significance" happens and the camera focuses on the main actor, while the background noise drowns out and everything goes slowmo? Well... That's what i felt at that moment. As he finished with his sentence, i found myself trying to process the question in my head. I don't know if it was because i was caught by surprise, or if it was because of the alcohol in my system, which was making me process things a little slower like a device with too much background processes running. Anywas, after a quick second or two, I then realized that this was a question that i was all too familiar with. I paused.. l took a breath, then answered...

I then found myself trying to explain my thoughts and feelings to the best of my ability. I did this by answering logically with a tinge of emotion, justifying each statement with what i felt, and with what my brain was telling me. With what was factual, and with what was unrealistic... You would think that since i attacked the question with such finesse that my answer would have been great, but as i listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth, i thought to myself... "dude... That made no sense at all". That's when it hit me... That as much as i would like to think that i've gotten myself all figured out... I really dont.

Sometimes i think i know what i want, but then i realize i dont. Sometimes i think im alright but then realize im not. I know... it's sounds really bipolar... but it's true. At this point you're probably thinking that im one fucked up guy... but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Maybe... All of these quirks are what make me... "me" and are what, in turn, make me "likable". My geekiness in regards to video games, my mood swings, my nagging, my insecurities, the way that i crave attention then all of a sudden want to be left alone. All of these are what i see in myself, but what if... What if other people see me differently?

What if, rather than see a geek, they see a kid at heart. Rather than see my mood swings, they see a guy who is more than just an average-one-sided-joe. Rather that see my nagging, they see a guy who cares enough to constanly remind people. My insecurities as humbleness and lastly rather than see a bipolar attention whore, they see a guy who likes the company of others, but as the same time is a man of his own... Who knows?

I've heard from somewhere that, true love is loving not "in-spite" of... But "because" of... I hope whoever quoted this is right. Because all of these quirks... I guess... Is just "me".


Thursday, January 24, 2013


Lately i've been feeling a bit iffy towards some people. I really cant say why exactly. Might be the weather, something I ate... or maybe "it's" starting again...

I've always been envious of other people when they talk about best friends, friends from way-back-when, elementary, high-school and even college... None of which I have, pathetic right? I would like to think that I am easy to get along with, I'm not really a pain in the ass I think, and I can be pretty charming... However in spite of all of that... "it" usually happens in the end. Why is that?

Is it because I find it hard to fully open up to people? Have I been that traumatized by "him" that since the "incident" I now have my guard up most of the time? Or maybe it's because I set my expectations too high in regards to friends. Could it be that deep inside, I secretly crave affection? To be honest, i'm just too tired to think about it now. Work is work, And life in general has been feeling too routine lately. What is wrong with me? I find myself just shrugging it off, trying to ignore the question completely. Whatever it is, I cant really say... All i'm sure about is the feeling, this feeling which is all too familiar, this feeling I usually get before "it" happens.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Start of Something Greatly Average

Ok... testing... 1... 2... Great. Ok... "How do I start?". The question which has been haunting me, even as I type in these next few words. I don't really know to be honest... We most often find ourselves asking the same question, "How... do I start?" A question often asked yet rarely answered. A question which has touched the lips of almost everyone who has ever lived... 

Might it be from the broken lover desperately trying to move on. The widowed wife trying to keep a family together. The lone heart trying to find love or even as simple as a kid trying to get through college. 

Unfortunately, I often find myself asking the same exact question for almost everything in my life... and at this very moment, I  do again, as I try my best to make this average first blog entry, not-so-average. Even now, as I continue to type, the answer still eludes me, but I type on.  I guess...when you think about it... maybe that in itself is the answer. 

Just because you don't know how to start doesn't mean you shouldn't start at all... right? 

We always hope someone would tell us exactly what to do for a perfect life... how to find love... how to move on... how to pass algebra, but the thing is, it's never that simple. There are just stuff in life that could never be taught... there are just some thing's you really have to go through on your own. 

I never really knew how to start moving on after my dad died.
I never really knew how to be a good son.
I never really knew how to pick up the pieces when my boyfriend left me.
I still don't know how to start looking for love again.
I still don't know how to get an A in algebra...
And I definitely didn't know how to start this blog... and yet, here we are.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, the next time you stop to question "How do I start?"... Don't... Just go for it.

I preemptively apologize if most of what I say on this blog seem like thoughtless word-vomit, but then again, as I've said... I never really knew how to start. All I know is, I have...

To my good friend "B" I know it seems really hard right now, but I assure you... just start, and you'll get somewhere. 

Your Not-So-Average Joe