Who would've thought amidst the chaos, laughter and endless servings of alcohol being shot into my system, that i would actually have a conversation that night which would make me realize something about myself once again. Earlier today, i found myself in the company of some of my closest friends once again capping off the night at this restobar near my place. As the night went on, it was obvious that the happy juice was working. The laughter seemed to get a little bit louder, topics a little bit more daring and people a little more rowdy. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, a friend of mine "discretely" asked me a question. As i listened, everything fell still and silent. You know those movie scenes when something of "significance" happens and the camera focuses on the main actor, while the background noise drowns out and everything goes slowmo? Well... That's what i felt at that moment. As he finished with his sentence, i found myself trying to process the question in my head. I don't know if it was because i was caught by surprise, or if it was because of the alcohol in my system, which was making me process things a little slower like a device with too much background processes running. Anywas, after a quick second or two, I then realized that this was a question that i was all too familiar with. I paused.. l took a breath, then answered...
I then found myself trying to explain my thoughts and feelings to the best of my ability. I did this by answering logically with a tinge of emotion, justifying each statement with what i felt, and with what my brain was telling me. With what was factual, and with what was unrealistic... You would think that since i attacked the question with such finesse that my answer would have been great, but as i listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth, i thought to myself... "dude... That made no sense at all". That's when it hit me... That as much as i would like to think that i've gotten myself all figured out... I really dont.
Sometimes i think i know what i want, but then i realize i dont. Sometimes i think im alright but then realize im not. I know... it's sounds really bipolar... but it's true. At this point you're probably thinking that im one fucked up guy... but then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing.
Maybe... All of these quirks are what make me... "me" and are what, in turn, make me "likable". My geekiness in regards to video games, my mood swings, my nagging, my insecurities, the way that i crave attention then all of a sudden want to be left alone. All of these are what i see in myself, but what if... What if other people see me differently?
What if, rather than see a geek, they see a kid at heart. Rather than see my mood swings, they see a guy who is more than just an average-one-sided-joe. Rather that see my nagging, they see a guy who cares enough to constanly remind people. My insecurities as humbleness and lastly rather than see a bipolar attention whore, they see a guy who likes the company of others, but as the same time is a man of his own... Who knows?
I've heard from somewhere that, true love is loving not "in-spite" of... But "because" of... I hope whoever quoted this is right. Because all of these quirks... I guess... Is just "me".
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