Indifference

Lately i've been feeling a bit iffy towards some people. I really cant say why exactly. Might be the weather, something I ate... or maybe "it's" starting again...

I've always been envious of other people when they talk about best friends, friends from way-back-when, elementary, high-school and even college... None of which I have, pathetic right? I would like to think that I am easy to get along with, I'm not really a pain in the ass I think, and I can be pretty charming... However in spite of all of that... "it" usually happens in the end. Why is that?

Is it because I find it hard to fully open up to people? Have I been that traumatized by "him" that since the "incident" I now have my guard up most of the time? Or maybe it's because I set my expectations too high in regards to friends. Could it be that deep inside, I secretly crave affection? To be honest, i'm just too tired to think about it now. Work is work, And life in general has been feeling too routine lately. What is wrong with me? I find myself just shrugging it off, trying to ignore the question completely. Whatever it is, I cant really say... All i'm sure about is the feeling, this feeling which is all too familiar, this feeling I usually get before "it" happens.

 

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The Start of Something Greatly Average

           
Ok... testing... 1... 2... Great. Ok... "How do I start?". The question which has been haunting me, even as I type in these next few words. I don't really know to be honest... We most often find ourselves asking the same question, "How... do I start?" A question often asked yet rarely answered. A question which has touched the lips of almost everyone who has ever lived... 


Might it be from the broken lover desperately trying to move on. The widowed wife trying to keep a family together. The lone heart trying to find love or even as simple as a kid trying to get through college. 


Unfortunately, I often find myself asking the same exact question for almost everything in my life... and at this very moment, I  do again, as I try my best to make this average first blog entry, not-so-average. Even now, as I continue to type, the answer still eludes me, but I type on.  I guess...when you think about it... maybe that in itself is the answer. 

Just because you don't know how to start doesn't mean you shouldn't start at all... right? 

We always hope someone would tell us exactly what to do for a perfect life... how to find love... how to move on... how to pass algebra, but the thing is, it's never that simple. There are just stuff in life that could never be taught... there are just some thing's you really have to go through on your own. 

I never really knew how to start moving on after my dad died.

I never really knew how to be a good son.

I never really knew how to pick up the pieces when my boyfriend left me.

I still don't know how to start looking for love again.

I still don't know how to get an A in algebra...

And I definitely didn't know how to start this blog... and yet, here we are.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, the next time you stop to question "How do I start?"... Don't... Just go for it.


I preemptively apologize if most of what I say on this blog seem like thoughtless word-vomit, but then again, as I've said... I never really knew how to start. All I know is, I have...


P.S.
To my good friend "B" I know it seems really hard right now, but I assure you... just start, and you'll get somewhere. 


Sincerely,
Your Not-So-Average Joe